Sunday, 29 September 2013

A jumble of many thoughts

I don't know how many of you still follow this space of mine but really, i'm not writing for anyone anymore. I'm writing for me. Which is actually pretty sad and amusing at the same time... the fact that i actually feel void of a confidante except this trusty old space.

It's not really as if i harbor some deep, dark, secret. It's just that sometimes i wish there could be that someone special, y'know? To just share the boring silly little details that makes life what it is. Not necessarily a boyfriend or any such thing, because who needs guys anyway... i kid i kid i'm not that much of a feminist haha.

But really, maybe like a best friend or something. But then i remember that every "special" relationship takes work. A lot of work. And as much as i want it i can't devote that amount of time and energy to a person. How could i possibly, when i don't even have enough time for myself? Also there is that constant dread of any form of close friendship/relationship... that whatever i put forth for the person, he/she wouldn't do the same for me. And i would lose them.

Honestly, i'm so sick of losing people.

Maybe i'm more afraid than scared. I don't know. Everyone around me has changed so much, sometimes i sit in a group and i feel so distant, so foreign, like the people i've known for years are strangers. And i'm just sitting there, listening to a conversation i can't really relate to anymore. Maybe i'm the one that has changed. Yeah, so much has changed in the past one year that some days i look at myself in the mirror and wonder who i am anyway. I guess right now a lot of my priorities have shifted and looks and popularity just don't hold that appeal for me anymore. (I still take dozens of selfies and am as addicted to instagram, but you get the idea. My life just isn't revolving majorly around those superficialities)

But yeah, change. I hate the word.

But it is visibly extant, and judging from what life dishes out it plans to stay for a long time. Everything is changing, everyone is changing. Perpectives, direction, goals, friends...all these have changed. They aren't quite how they used to be anymore. I'm not saying change necessitates something diminutive because some things have changed for the better. But i want stability, comfort of security. A constant.

Yet it seems that change has so thoroughly infiltrated every part of my life along with everyone else's that sometimes i wonder if this might not be the irony of life. And it really is so, when you come to the conclusion that the only constant in life... is change itself.

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