Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Stepping Stones.

I saw him today.

It's been years.

I remember that fateful day when my life crumbled. The day i thought i would lose my mom, the only person who genuinely cared. My grades, slipping. And my best friend...gone. It was an awful day, maybe the most paradoxical yet. Because it was my birthday. My fourteenth birthday.

I remember feeling so alone then. And the worst part was that he was gone. Friends forever in a world that lacked capacity to contain the very word. I remember having to go through all the pain, and ominous nights. I remember feeling sad every day, every night. It was as if the darkness had consumed me, and i would lose myself in music. Every word, every lyric seemed as if they were written for me. 

I remember fixing a brilliant smile, putting on pretty, gay dresses. I had become such a good little actress, a perfect portrayal of what i was not. They thought i had become wild. Bold and brazen...a rebel. They saw what i wanted them to see. 

But everyday all i wanted was for night to come. Tears were no longer foreign, and the night my best companion. I felt so sad everyday, and it seemed my heart had turned cold. I no longer felt anything for any person or subject. My world was gray, bleak. But i had grown accustomed to it. Sadness was like a sea... you could drown, or lose yourself in it. I don't know what happened, but i had grown to like it.

I liked the sea. I could live in it forever. Weeks passed, then months...and years.

One day, something strange happened. We moved, and i met new people. I went out, and watched movies. I ate, talked, and laughed. It was strange to be laughing again...the sound was foreign, new. But i liked it. And i felt an inkling of what it was like to be happy again. Even when i felt the sadness, i smiled, for realization that it has been some time since i last felt similarly. Things got perceptibly better, and life was perfect. 

What naivete.

It was a lapse that was decidedly obtuse. I had neglected the fact that if i could lose once, i could lose again. And now the dark is again beckoning, calling. I miss losing myself in its coldness. It's tempting...but i won't go back. Sadness is a drug, but sadness is a choice.

"Are you always sad?" someone had asked.

"You have no idea" i thought in my head. But outwardly, i merely smiled.

I smiled, because although things appeared the same, i knew they were not. Because i had a new source of strength, and because amid the sadness, i knew i would one day learn to laugh again. And i realized that whether or not i was cognizant of the fact, all the tears were stepping stones, to the huge journey i had ahead of me.

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