I hate being human.
And i've never hated it as much as i do now, never felt so human. Susceptible. Weak. I loathe it. I once thought this fragility captivating. But i don't, not now.
Nobody understands. Don't be sad, they say. I am not at all sad when i type this...I am scared. Scared that one day i'll completely lose touch with my humanity because i am afraid of not being in control. Scared that one day i might become an emotionless robot, because it's too tiring to love, too tiring to hate. Indifference. Perhaps then i wouldn't feel any pain, because the only kind of pain that can truly hurt is pain that is inflicted on an emotional level. And that's why the idea of indifference is so appealing --not because of what i see in it, but because of what it helps me not to see. Being void of any emotion whatsoever. Can one attain such a state? I suppose it doesn't matter, because that's not what i really want anyway.
I fear being alone. I fear being around people. What exactly do i want? Sometimes i think i shall never know. I should believe in people, hold some hope for the good of mankind. But i can't. I can't bring myself to, not when the people who were supposed to love me the most hurt me instead, intentionally or otherwise, so much that sometimes i am convinced i shall never recover. Even as my fingers run lightly across this keyboard my mind is in a mess, my heart racing as i attempt to pen down in this incoherence the emotions that i'm feeling this very moment. Because what if one day i never feel again? "You're so complicated," people tell me, and laugh. Except there isn't anything the least bit humorous.
As i hear the multitude of voices in the background and in my head it takes everything in me not to yell my lungs out. To maintain poise and composure, taking in every biting word as it slices through my heart. "Why do you hurt me so?" is what i think, again and again. But outside, i smile. I think the saddest kind of sad isn't the type where you bawl your eyes out, or the ones where fresh tears stream down your cheeks. The saddest kind of sad is the kind that tries to be happy. The kind that is found in a smile, even when ones eyes are dark, downcast. The kind that i see in the mirror every other day.
There are some days when i think that things might be okay, that i have the strength to survive after all. Some days i can actually see the good things in life, some days i have a genuine smile because of the people God has put in my life, people who actually make me feel loved. Some days, i actually feel okay... happy, even. Not today. Today i feel human. And all i want to do is run away, as far as possible from this mess that i have to call my life.