Friday, 2 May 2014

Dear Diary: Why are some words so hard to say?

"And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake...You can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." -Warsan Shire

I can't emphasize how much those words speak to me...it's crazy because i always feel in a perpetually confused state of mind, torn between who i actually am and who i think i'm supposed to be. Sometimes i think i talk too much, that i'm impetuous and somewhat unguarded in expressing my views. I think it's bad...being so rash, not thinking through things before openly blurting them out. A hot-headed, impulsive girl instead of the refined lady i'm supposed to work towards being. But then i think again, and i wonder if there's anything wrong with that at all. Why are we all so guarded? Why must we be so logical, so rational...can't emotions rule for once? 

Why are some words so hard to say...why is it so hard to say "i love you" first? Why is it so hard to apologise, to say you're sorry, instead of saving that ego and feeling bad about your prideful decision for weeks and months? Why is it so hard to just go up to someone and say, "i really don't like how you're acting" instead of succumbing to pathetic gossip behind that person's back? Why is it so hard to say "i miss you", instead of playing it cool and going half insane from checking your phone for a reply from the one person you obviously care so much about? Sometimes i wish everyone would save everyone else the trouble and just be brutally honest with one another. Fat chance, huh?

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